Alicia's Story: I Know My Worth
Mine is different in a lot of ways and I will tell you why.
The only love I have ever had in my life has come from my Mom, Dad, Brother and Children. Yes, I have friends that love me unconditionally as well. They have offered me safe haven and support.
I never knew how bad my relationship with my husband was with my eyes wide open till 4 years ago. Sure there were signs along the way and I chose to ignore them thinking he would change.
Before I begin, yes I am living in the same house with him. No we have not divorced yet; that is in the works and in gathering information before he is served papers and I move out.
5 years ago he started hinting at retiring when he wasn't even 60. I had a great job 20 years before all this working at Bombardier Learjet. I had to quit because he was not helping me to co-parent and our oldest who was getting into a lot of trouble. Also, my dad's health started to deteriorate. He was cheating on me which I knew nothing about, as I was trying to work a 60 hour work week and raise 2 kids.
We divorced; and I moved in with my parents and I started dating a co-worker; 6 months later I was pregnant. What a jerk he was back then; we get on great and I adore his wife.
She has treated our child as her own and has always kept the doors of communication open so that my youngest father and I and my youngest could start building a relationship that wasn't damaged.
After I had my youngest the ex who I did remarry was starting to change for the better; what a fool I was and the year before my parents died we remarried. Biggest mistake of my life.
Fast forward to 5 years ago I noticed that when I walked into a room or sat next to him he would always put his phone away. At first I thought nothing of it; then he started talking about retiring all the time.
Fast forward to 5 years ago I noticed that when I walked into a room or sat next to him he would always put his phone away. At first I thought nothing of it; then he started talking about retiring all the time.
Again I thought it was strange but being empty nesters I thought he was thinking ahead. 5 months before he was summarily dismissed from his job for misconduct he was talking about the early retirement bonus his
employer was offering workers right before the Covid Pandemic. Found out he had been written up and he and his supervisor were not on good terms nor was he on good terms with guys he used to hang out with.
Placing the blame on them. Something he has done throughout our relationship; he NEVER takes responsibility for his part in anything he does or says it's always someone else's fault.
About 5 months later he was fired; he went to his Union Steward took over 3 months before he got his first unemployment check. His employer was fighting it and he was fighting trying to get his job back.
During this time he took his anger, frustration out on me verbally, emotionally and mentally. Nothing is his fault. Things got really dark for me; I was depressed, didn't sleep well; barely ate anything and started contemplating
Placing the blame on them. Something he has done throughout our relationship; he NEVER takes responsibility for his part in anything he does or says it's always someone else's fault.
About 5 months later he was fired; he went to his Union Steward took over 3 months before he got his first unemployment check. His employer was fighting it and he was fighting trying to get his job back.
During this time he took his anger, frustration out on me verbally, emotionally and mentally. Nothing is his fault. Things got really dark for me; I was depressed, didn't sleep well; barely ate anything and started contemplating
suicide. I had 3 months of this dark depression. While he was looking for work, so was I.
Then I found by chance the place I have been with for almost 4 years now. At first I was still depressed but by the end of the first year with my employer things started to change. My son and I talked about what was going on.
Bless him; he told me he knew I was in a bad spot that is why he kept asking if I was okay. Everyday he asked me, because everyday for 3 months he was calling or texting me. Then my youngest and I talked.
She said she has never seen me happy in her 20+ years of life. Do you know what it is like to hear that coming from your kid? AWFUL is what it is. Then my oldest and her husband when I went to visit them said the same thing.
I worked Thanksgiving right after my one year anniversary with my employer and spent that Friday with my son on his birthday. This is what he said. "I was planning your funeral mom; I didn't think you were going to ever come out of whatever was going on in your mind; I see you for the first time ever really laugh and mean it since your mom and dad passed away. I have never seen you really happy and I like this part of you; the real you".
Bless him; he told me he knew I was in a bad spot that is why he kept asking if I was okay. Everyday he asked me, because everyday for 3 months he was calling or texting me. Then my youngest and I talked.
She said she has never seen me happy in her 20+ years of life. Do you know what it is like to hear that coming from your kid? AWFUL is what it is. Then my oldest and her husband when I went to visit them said the same thing.
I worked Thanksgiving right after my one year anniversary with my employer and spent that Friday with my son on his birthday. This is what he said. "I was planning your funeral mom; I didn't think you were going to ever come out of whatever was going on in your mind; I see you for the first time ever really laugh and mean it since your mom and dad passed away. I have never seen you really happy and I like this part of you; the real you".
I cried; I mean ugly cried for an hour as we talked. He then said, "I knew you would come out of it; the funeral plans were I thought you were going to die like grandma did of a broken heart. I know dad took everything from you.
But I know that you were strong enough."
I never knew how strong I was till my kids and I actually talked. My youngest has thanked my dispatcher so many times for "making my mom happy, she loves her job".
My change was my children, my job, my friends who knew I was in a bad place and wouldn't let me go they held me together while the final pieces of me broke apart then my friends and family gave each gave me a proverbial
But I know that you were strong enough."
I never knew how strong I was till my kids and I actually talked. My youngest has thanked my dispatcher so many times for "making my mom happy, she loves her job".
My change was my children, my job, my friends who knew I was in a bad place and wouldn't let me go they held me together while the final pieces of me broke apart then my friends and family gave each gave me a proverbial
bottle of super glue and helped me to piece my life back. I am perfectly imperfect and I am beautiful on the inside for it. I got the hoodie that says "Throw me to wolves and I will come back leading the pack".
Well my husband has thrown me to the wolves so many times but this last time; I came back stronger than ever. I know my worth. Everyone says to leave him now. NO.
He caused both of us to be a financial wreck and I will be made whole.
At some point I would like to be in a relationship with a man who truly loves me; I have never had that in my entire life; to have 45+ years of marriage that you can't live without that person because they make you better. Just one time
Well my husband has thrown me to the wolves so many times but this last time; I came back stronger than ever. I know my worth. Everyone says to leave him now. NO.
He caused both of us to be a financial wreck and I will be made whole.
At some point I would like to be in a relationship with a man who truly loves me; I have never had that in my entire life; to have 45+ years of marriage that you can't live without that person because they make you better. Just one time
even if for a short while I would love to have that type of relationship.
BUT for now I am content; happy; and putting myself back together while getting my shit into one sock....
It is amazing how strong I really am when I let my children and friends in. It's one second at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time and I will get there. I do see the light at the end of a very dark and cold path.
That hoodie and Wolf Pack saying is my motto. I try to live it everyday.
It is amazing how strong I really am when I let my children and friends in. It's one second at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time and I will get there. I do see the light at the end of a very dark and cold path.
That hoodie and Wolf Pack saying is my motto. I try to live it everyday.
Comments
Tammy said:
Incredible story of strength and courage. Your kids were raised by an amazing mom. The only time we fail is when life knocks us down and we don’t get back up. Wear your BD apparel with pride because it is your armor. You are amazing and the tribe is proud to have you
Jen said:
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s one of the reasons I never got married. So much sexual trauma on my end, but that’s left me 54 with breast cancer 🎀 and Noone to give a shit. No sympathy not needed.
Because I an a Phoenix and beautiful disaster!!!
Your kids sound like they were raised by a mom the loved and trusted. Kick-ass for you!!
Rewrite your story.
Love, Jen
Blue Witch said:
Alicia, you will find that type of relationship. You may ask how I know this, because it happened to me. I had to import him from Australia, but I had never had a man that truly loved me until him. I’m 53 and have been married to him for 3 years now.
JoAnne Henderson said:
I loved your story and how strong you are now.