Amber's Story - Finding STRENGTH after the Evil Narcissist
I’ve been broken down to the lowest of lows, losing all respect and self-worth for myself. I could look at myself in the mirror and not even recognize who I was.
Why do you identify with the Beautiful Disaster brand?
After surviving a little over eight years with a narcissist who cheated, lied, and stole from me and our daughter, I found enough strength to leave. I am trying to regain my confidence, continue healing, and move forward with the life that I deserve. I believe it is crucial to share my experience with other women because my story may help another woman survive.
Tell us your Beautiful Disaster story.
Most people would assume that when a man and woman meet in church, God will be at the center of their relationship, making it pure. That may have been true initially, but it didn’t last long. Soon, all I could see were the devilish eyes and wicked ways. The relationship started with walks on the beach and dinner dates. After a couple of months, I began catching him in lies and being sneaky with his phone, which led to accusations. He told me I was cheating on him and sneaking around with my ex. Things escalated quickly, and when I wanted to end it, the sweet side reappeared, making me believe he genuinely wanted to change. He proposed on the beach, and things seemed good for a few months again. His adult son, his girlfriend, and their dog moved in with us for help. We got married, moved to a decent house on the water, and although the town was remote with only 200 people, things seemed fine (though I’m more of a city girl—love the country, but not to live in). My husband and I both got jobs at a resort, and within a month, his son and girlfriend were working there too. We all worked long hours, and then I met Mr. Narcissist, who came out with a vengeance. Not long after, I discovered I was pregnant. He started telling me I couldn’t speak to another man unless he was a family member, couldn’t hang out with friends, and even began pushing away my family. The mental and verbal abuse worsened. I started noticing cum on the insides of his pants and his shirts smelling like perfume. Despite his promises, things continued to deteriorate. I was spat on, called horrific names, and accused of cheating with my ex. He stole my phone and found an email from my ex, me, and our therapist, which included no private emails between us—only group emails with the therapist. My husband saw that my ex had called me by a nickname he used, “A+.” This was not sexual or something that should have triggered his rage.
My husband began charming people around us, claiming I was cheating and trying to drive a wedge between me and everyone in my life. I was often alone with our daughter for days because snowstorms kept him at work. I started hating life and didn’t want to wake up in the morning due to severe depression. I packed up some things, with nowhere to go but feeling that even the streets would be better than my current situation. His anger was out of control, and things had turned physical a few times, including being shoved down two flights of stairs. He threatened my life if I ever tried to get our daughter or see her again. He would repeatedly call me until I answered and convinced me to come back. Over a ten-month period, I had to undergo three neck surgeries. During this time, I saw the Devil’s hatred in his drug-induced, beady eyes.
He manipulated everyone out of my life, including my father, who stopped speaking to me. He lied about having cancer and undergoing chemo, had an affair, and stole my pain medication by cutting a slit in my pillowcase to take the pill bottle. He even stole money from our four-year-old’s piggy bank. I started having thoughts of not wanting to live anymore, with my daughters being the only thing keeping me going. Despite not being in contact with my older two daughters at the time due to him, I didn’t want to leave them without a mother, as I had lost mine to cancer in 2014. The threats, verbal, and mental abuse were now being displayed in front of our daughter. She was initially terrified and would run to me for comfort, but this angered him further. He began brainwashing her to believe I didn’t love her and was a bad person. I begged him to hold his anger until she was asleep, but it never changed; it only became more frequent and abusive.
What happened for you to turn it around?
One day, when he was charging at me, I knew it might be the end. Suddenly, my four-year-old stepped in front of him and said, “Don’t ever talk to my mommy like that again. You’re mean, and that is not okay.” It was at that moment my heart shattered, realizing I had allowed someone to make me lose my self-worth and respect in front of my little girl. I have four daughters, ranging in ages from 22 to 4, and I have raised them to always respect themselves and know their worth. Yet, I had not set that example in this relationship. I made a plan with my dad to leave, promising him I would never look back, as he had heard of my leaving one too many times with no results. I was determined to show my daughters that there is always a way out and that they should never accept being treated poorly. I have now been away from him for three months. I have our daughter with me, and he hasn’t even tried to see her once.
Name three things you’ve done to move closer to happiness:
1. My relationship with God has grown immensely because I was so brainwashed that I had blamed God for allowing such an evil man into my life.
2. I LEFT!
3. I realized how incredibly strong I am and proved that to my daughters by leaving.
What is your favorite Beautiful Disaster collection, past or present, and why?
It’s hard to choose just one, but if I had to, I would say the Bella Rose collection. My third daughter’s name is Ayrabella, and we call her Bella. Bella means "beautiful" in Italian, and I’m Sicilian. I called Bella after I had left that day, and I’ll never forget her words to me: “Mom, I am so happy that you were finally able to leave. I did not like seeing you like that. Hey, Mom… yes, my beautiful girl… You can be happy now and smile again.”
Comments
Mary Amesquita said:
Well, sweetie! I could almost see myself in what you were saying. It took me find out that my husband of 13 years and three kids was raping them. My girls told that he was doing this to them every time I went to work. It hurts so bad to be even saying any of this. because every time I think about what he had done, my heart just breaks all over again. He’s been in prison for 30 some years now. And I am so scared one of these days he’s going to get out. Because the last thing he said to me before they took him away was, the next time I see you I’ll pay you. So I pray every day that they never let him out of prison. And I know that he will kill me one of these days.
Stacy said:
Soo happy you were able to get out and away from that situation and be an example to your daughters. The world is your oyster and you are going to make it a beautiful shiny pearl. I too was in a physical and abusive relationship, took my 3 young kids and left, and never looked back.
Kim Bradley said:
I am so sorry you went through everything you did. You are one helluva strong woman!! I wish you peace and a happy life! ❤️
Monie B said:
My sister’s name is Amber so I had to check out your story cuz I just knew that there was something and it that I could completely relate to and I completely related to a lot of it having been in relationships with narcissists for 38 years now, one after another. Nobody can possibly understand what it’s like dealing with these people until you’re dealing with one of these type of people. I never knew exactly what it was I was just at the very edge of discovery forever, until 2017 when it all came crashing down and I realized what I had been dealing with for all those years. Sadly, knowing what you’re dealing with doesn’t help keep you out of these type of relationships or rather I should say entanglements. I think it’s actually worse: knowing what’s going on, knowing what they’re doing, knowing why they’re doing it and still unable to get out of the situation. Earlier this year, I was able to get away from the one I had been involved with for 3 and 1/2 years and we hadn’t actually been involved for a long time I just hung around all the time like a dumbass and I met someone from him who was amazing. Besides being completely adorable, he listened, he was so sweet and he understood so much because he’d been involved with someone who actually stabbed him on one occasion. I thought to myself could it possibly be this easy? I mean the universe wouldn’t be that cruel to send another one come with it? Oh yeah. Yeah the universe can be that freaking cruel because he was just as bad as the one I got away from and actually worse because he watched what the other one was doing to me and took it upon himself to just take over from there. Things of mine started to come up missing and I thought it was someone else that was around at that time never once thinking that it was this guy cuz we were on the same page with everything so how could it possibly be him? Well it was. I can’t believe it still and it only gets worse the older you get. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this because it’s so awful. My whole thing is I don’t want them to be like this because there’s such a better way to be and if they can pretend to be that awesome then why can’t they be like that all the time? Within reason you know? I’m glad you got away from the evilness that you were dealing with and I can only imagine what it would be like having kids and being involved in that. I probably would have put a gun to my head a long time ago if I had kids involved. But kudos to you for being strong enough to walk away. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to on my own. And it’s so weird because I know what they are but when they’re nice it’s like I completely forget like I have amnesia for how they can be and what they’ve done. And you know what the worst part I think about it is? Knowing what they’re doing when they’ve lied to you and you know they’re lying but you can’t prove it and knowing what they’re doing but they’ll never admit to I think it’s the worst like when they take their absences and you know they’re hooking up with someone else. That’s what I’m talking about. Sitting there and thinking about it knowing that’s exactly what they’re up to but you don’t know where the hell they are to be able to prove whatever you want to prove. I just can’t believe my life has been like this and it’s been so wasted on these people and after a while I get so tired from it all I just give up and give in. Sometimes it’s easier that way but then again I have a big mouth that make sure that they know that I know what’s up and I don’t recommend doing that because it doesn’t help and it makes them turn around and accuse you of doing the exact same things they’re doing. In the past, I was convinced I was doing things I wasn’t doing and now they can’t convince me but I used to believe them even though I knew I wasn’t doing it I still would start thinking and doubting myself asking myself am I really doing that? That right there is brainwashing and it really messes with you and the second guessing of your own actions when you no damn well that you weren’t even there at that time doing whatever they are accusing you of and believing them anyway is just odd. But I believed it I believe that was a horrible person that was doing all these manipulative things to destroy them. I was with one off and on for 15 years and this guy ended up getting both of us arrested and I ended up doing prison time in Arizona over it. And I hadn’t done a damn thing wrong but because I was there I was considered an accomplice and there was no way I could talk my way out of it or prove that that wasn’t my intention. So now I have a felony conviction and a violent felony conviction at that when I didn’t even lay a hand on the other person. Three and a half years in prison I had a lot of time to think and without the constant harassment of having one of these people around me, made me a little bit stronger for a time. But didn’t heal me. I ended up getting a cancer diagnosis 6 months from my release and I wrote to my now exes mother to let her know and have her let him know because he was doing time as well and we couldn’t contact each other since we weren’t married and I didn’t think she told him because I never heard anything from him. He could have written to my mother is what I meant and my mom would have told him and kept him updated and all he had to do if he didn’t already have the address is ask his mother for it or his mom could have called my mom. There is many ways around the prison system and being able to contact each other directly. So when I got out, I wrote to him and he wrote right back to me and told me he was so worried. Oh yeah so fucking worried that he didn’t even bother to check to see if I was even a live still. And I moved out from California to Arizona to help him with his own health issues and so if anyone knew about weird scary health issues it was him and he didn’t even bother to check on me. After 12 years together and then with the 3 years that I didn’t prison adding up to 15 I couldn’t believe that he didn’t even bother to check on me when I moved everything out to Arizona to be with him and help him out. And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back with him and since he was still in Arizona and I was moving back out to California, the distance made everything easier for me to walk away since I hadn’t been in contact with him for 3 years. When he was about to get out in 2020 I wrote him a letter and told him to never ever contact me again because he always had the most impeccable timing and right when I was in a bad place or I needed a place to live he would swoop in and I don’t know how he always knew but he did and we would get back together and it would start all over again. Moving out to Arizona was the biggest mistake I made with him and look at what happened I was out there for a year and 3 months before I got arrested and picked up a felony. But anyway that’s my long sorted tail I wish I had better ending for it but I don’t and obviously, haven’t made much progress since it’s just been this year that the other one that was so cute and awesome came into my life. I can’t get away from them. When one leaves another one enters and now I know that the universe can be that cruel and will let me leave one and send another one on the exact same day and not give me any breathing room between bouts of toxic nonsense. But big hugs to you and I’m so glad that you were able to get away. I feel like my life is over cuz I will be 54 here in a couple months and you know it’s going to take me way too long to heal from this crap to even get involved with someone at this age and I don’t want any wrinkled old man. Lol. I don’t. I was dated older and now I’m dating way younger and it doesn’t even matter because older younger or my age they’re still all the same and they’re the ones that I like the most. It’s so pathetic.
Brian Leep said:
Form experience, I have seen many people overcome what they once thought was impossible. Have strength to push through and wonder how they did it. Good is our strength and our refuge. Or shelter and protector.
Great example of how all of us can easily take a negative experience, use or voice and testimony, using our pain to help others heal. Don’t let it win! Give your pain purpose! Share your scars! Bc when you do, it removes any power it has over you and your life.
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your pain with us
Leah Correia said:
Amber my beautiful strong sister, I had no idea you were going thru such a struggle in your marriage. It broke my heart to read your story but your strength and love for your daughters makes you the amazing human and mother you are today. Your struggle made you that much stronger and nothing now can ever tear you down again. I have not been seeing your posts lately but I will make a point to check on you like you always have for me. I love you dearly sweet sister ❤
M said:
This is so much like my story.
I created a character that I draw in cartoons; her name is Amber (Sand… yes, after “ampersand” &)
I actually can’t read this all right now because it’s too close to home.
We met in a prayer group. “Good Christian”… that was his sell job to everyone (including himself, at least at first, all of our surrounding community, church, and friends.)
It was supposed to be a happy story… right?
No kids, but it took me 16 years to get out. People who don’t go through this often don’t understand how bad it can really be.
You’ve got girls 🩷.
I don’t. It’s ok. But in so many ways your story is my story, which is why I can’t read it yet. But the similarities are what drew me to read what I did and respond. (I will read at some point fully.)
It’s so hard. I’m really glad that you got out. (We share a common faith as well.) This resonates.
Dana Perry said:
Congratulations on your new beginning!! I lived the same way with my first husband until he was beating me one day in front of our 3 year old at the time and hearing her little voice begging “ please stop!! You’re going to kill my mommy”. Those words woke something inside me . I was letting her think it was ok to let a man beat and degrade her. Cheat and lie. I filed the next day and never looked back. It was just me and her for 6 years. No man except family. Healing time for me and her. I look back on those years with just she and I and thank God everyday. I met a man when she was 9 who immediately took her as his daughter raised her to protect herself and showed her love. ( her father had no relationship with her after I was awarded custody. Something he will have to live with because we lost her to what her death certificate says as undetermined. She was 25. Owned her own home. Was going back to college loved her little brother I had when she was 10. He was her everything. Her death was just a reminder life is too short and fragile to live in misery. I’m proud of you. Happy for your girls and hope you find the soul deep peace you deserve.
Shannon said:
This is a heartbreaking story . I am so glad you left and got away. Stay Strong 💪. Keep the faith
Carol Hartnett said:
Congratulations, Honey. I am so proud of you and your daughter for standing up to him. Your faith in God and your inner strength broke the vicious cycle. Now, you can walk with God and enjoy His loving plan for your life. Namaste 🙏 I love you. ❤️
Carol Hartnett said:
Congratulations, Honey. I am so proud of you and your daughter for standing up to him. Your faith in God and your inner strength broke the vicious cycle. Now, you can walk with God and enjoy His loving plan for your life. Namaste 🙏 I love you. ❤️
Lyn Carpenter said:
Stay strong. I went thru the same ordeal trying to help your Uncle Dave while he began doing men. He started stealing from me and Taylor, he became very verbally abusive and at the end stole tags from Taylor’s keep to put on a car he stole, stole her gun to trade for drugs and walked into our house and tried to tell us he didn’t have to leave. We had gotten Taylor’s gun back and she walked in and told him if he didn’t leave she would shoot him where he stood! We have not heard from him since and how we never do. It’s hard when you cared for someone at one time to see what they have become. You want to remember who they were especially when they seem contrite. Then you realize it was a lie and they are just there because they suckered you again and they love pointing out how stupid you are! All I can say is lean on the live you get from those who truly love you and remember IT’S NOT YOU THAT WAS THE PROBLEM! IT’S THEM AND THEY DON’T DESERVE THE LOVE WE OFFERED FREELY! Love yourself enough to know you don’t need someone like that in your life! Be happy and have a good life! You and all of us deserve that! Love you sweetie!