Founders Story : A Peek Inside Christina's Life

My story is so similar to your that it’s scary. My parents split when I was 2. Father was in and out of my life, mother had not respect or self worth for herself working in night life bringing every Mike, Steve and Henry home with her for the night. I was sexually abused by someone she brought home with her but was too drunk and had done too many drugs to give herself to him. She was gone to the world, almost literally as I had to save her when I walked into her room the next morning and she started turning blue.
I had to be independent and be in control of my life because I was the only person in the world I could trust. I had a couple girl friends but most were male. I would do things for attention from older men without a care in the world. I didn’t care they were married I still put on that tiny bikini and went to lay out at the pool knowing damn well it made him look at me every time. One thing led to the next and I had transformed into “That Girl” the one who doesn’t support and stand behind other woman, instead I stole her man and didn’t even feel bad. Next thing I know I am pregnant with my first, marrying the guy who’s baby I think I’m having that I thought I was in love with, having a second child two and a half years later. I got cheated on and that hurt so I ran, left to see what the world had for me.
I started working two jobs and keeping myself busy in the gym which was my new obsession at the time till one day I left my first job stopped by 7-11 to get something to drink while a girls friend and I got ready, we were heading out to a local dive bar because we finally had the same night off. Then while I am in line about to pay this bodybuilder comes walking through the door and took my breath away he was so hot. Our eyes locked and the next moment I’m driving home to start getting ready but I don’t remember leaving from being lost in thought of… well let’s not say where my head was at! A couple hours later my girl friend and I are ready and walking into the bar, we get our first drink and walking to the dance floor to dance. I was still talking to my friend about the guys I saw at 7-11 and how I would never see him again. I turned around and about fell on the floor who is standing there… the hottest 6’4, 265lb bodybuilding beast I’ve ever laid eyes one. Our eyes met again and we went home with each other that night. We rushed through things, I’m still guarded for all the trauma I have been through. I forgot to mention I was taking advantage of sexually a second time right before I turned 16, found out my cousin a couple months older then me shot herself in her head in her basement of her home having my aunt find her gurgling blood and loosing her life. Getting pulled from school with the news to get on a plane and go to a funeral on my 16th birthday to find out when I was taken advantage of and held against my will that I had become pregnant by my abuser. I had no stability between my parents so I aborted the baby.
Back to where I was , I was a real beautiful disaster except back then my friends and I referred to it as a Hot Mess. I made mistakes in my relationship with the body builder, I never healed and my second job was in nightlife being a cock-tail server or bottle girl. I felt more confident with all the guys attention being a cock tease. That ended up with me drinking too much because deep down I hated my life and wanted to mask those feeling as well as all my trauma. I ended up blacking out and cheating on the body builder then lying about it, loosing his trust and damaging the already partly broken relationship because when I went to visit him the first time, because normally he came to me and I thought it was because he traveled for work, come to find out our first year of our relationship he was married to another Amber. At least he couldn’t get the name wrong in bed… lol but that was not it he had two sons. But in my head I was stuck on he is my person and we have to be together or I can’t go on. So I sold my dropped my self worth down and taught to make it work, we get pregnant he conceived me to about the baby. We do but become pregnant again 3 months later. Relationship is rocky he finds another girl one night out with the guys, at the same bar we ran into each other for the second time the first night we met. I move out, he continued to see both of us, tried to convince me to abort again just cause timing is bad in our relationship and if we work throught it we are young and healthy we can try again. I didn’t sell my souls that time, I kept her and raised her alone for the next two years. Nothing from him didn’t see her more then 3 times in those first two years, not even a penny till I filled for child support. He even tried to fraud child support by creating a fake w-2 so he would have to pay less but he got caught by child support and told his employer. Then he came begging me to say I told him to do that.
I actually didn’t know about the url I thought he was cheating on me with until I was in the hospital because I had just woken up from an emergency c-section giving birth to our daughter because her heart rate fell during a non-stress weekly test at the doctors. He never came to the hospital but his sister sure did to meet the baby, her and I were close, talked daily. But he had messed with his sisters brain saying the baby was not his, I was crazy, he had nothing to do with me. She took one look at the baby and knew, but you know us girls need proof so I handed her my phone and she read page after page of my texts with her brother and saw he was still saying he loved me and him talking about the baby. His sister broke the news to me and gave me his side chicks number. I tried to put my focus on my newest baby and taking care of her on my own with no help and having staples going across my stomach from the c-section. It so tough to take care of an infant when it hurt like ur being cut open again every time you sneeze or take a deep breath. Then I broke because I started having post pardom depression and I no longer could hold back I called his side chick and told her everything. She asked for proof I texted it to her. She had no clue he had just had a child. Poor girl didn’t have a clue but when I started throwing dates at her about times we left town to South Lake Tahoe while I was pregnant or weekends I spent at his house things started making sense because she would recall times when he wouldn’t respond and became a ghost.
Then my moms finds out she has lung cancer and emphysema is getting so sick that my dad, step mom and I moved her into my dads house so that my step mom who is a CNA and I could care for her. My mom went from walking and doing her own shopping and errands to not even 4 weeks later loosing her battle with the cancer. I was so obsessed with the thought that the body builder was my forever, that he came over two days before my mom had passed ( with his own agenda to pursuade me into dropping child support from the state and him just depositing money into my account every pay period so it would come off his credit and he could buy another house and new car.) I starting drinking after I lost my mom and her dying words to me were I was never wanted by her and I made her life miserable and she wished I was never born. I wanted to mask life and not feel.
Now remember my now 2 year olds father never came to the hospital when she was born he was at a bar that we used to go to with his side chick. So he is not on the birth certificate and has not seen her more then 3 times those two years. His side chick did talk some sense into him and said she was leaving him if he didn’t have his daughter in his life somehow. So he took me to court for visitation, all court hearings were done over the phone since I lived more the 300 miles from the courthouse he filed at and didn’t have child care for our daughter. Even though I was a functioning alcoholic I was just that an alcoholic trying to make my entire painful life. My drinking got worse to where I was drinking 4 days a week then 5 days a week. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t stay that way and would have to face the trauma head on so I made the choice to go to Michigan since most of my family is there and get better/ heal. I was there a week and a half get a knock on the door and when I opened the door there was a crowd of people outside…. They were bounty hunters that said I had run off with my daughter and abducted her. So CPS came and took my daughter from me, I went to jail in Michigan got extradited back to California, spent 6 months in jail for what became a felony case for breaking not allowing him his parenting time the court had awarded.
Let me paint a picture of how obsessed I was with this man who I’ve now spent 6 months in jail because of him. He didn’t call me one time asking where I was and he only knew I had been on a plane because he was a financial advisor for the bank where I had my account and he had been putting money in there because I have a huge heart and was obsessed that I agreed to stop child support and let him deposit money each pay. He saw that I used my debit card on the airline to get my daughter and I snacks. This gem of a body builder would come to every hearing I had in court mouth to me from across the courtroom he loved me and I was his one and only. Even getting in trouble from my public defender and courtroom officers to not talk to me. Plus the mysterious letter I recieved in jail from him to getting out and still wanting to be with him. I chased as hard as I could throwing my own respect and dignity out the window with each conversation or text with him. Now he is back to cheating on her and i had lowered myself another notch and allowed myself to be the side chick because of my obsession to thinking he was the best I could do. I tried so hard to shift my thinking and most passed him and no matter what I tried I got sucked back him by his charm.
Next thing I know I’m starting to drink again, meet a guy in church, anyone would think, now things have turned around and I found my missing half. WRONG I entered the worst 8 years of my life by being married to a man that is a narcissist, liar, cheater and a thief that is also verbally, mentally and physically and sexually abusive. I submitted that story to beautiful disasters hoping to become part of a tribe that understand me and can empathize some of the things I have been through, to share my story of what I have struggled through in hopes that my story is another woman’s survival. I know I am going to be healing and struggling the rest of my life but I also know I have come so far a that I am so much stronger then I ever have myself credit for. I know there will be good days, ok days and very tough days ahead but I know that “ I will Not tap out, I will fight to the end”. I spent 7 years fighting the court system because CPS came and took my daughter as I was going to jail but her father had flown out that night and picked her up the next morning and brought her back, so it never even turned into a CPS case. But I fought for my daughter being made to look like a horrible kid napping mama when what I really was… a very lost, lonely, broken beautiful disaster who became an alcoholic to mask the pain and be numb. I wanted desperately for the chains to be removed from me so that I was not slowly dying and so I could heal from the lifetime of trauma. I thought I was doing the right thing by surrounding myself with family to start that healing process and it did start that I just went about it the wrong way and spent 6 months in jail. I have suffered my consequences and if I were to flash you forward to today, I’m recently broke free from 8+ years in a marriage to a lying, cheating, theif from a narcissist who is verbally, mentally, physically and sexually abusive. At the end of the day I SURVIVED! I will always be a beautiful disaster but I am healing a little every day even with the set backs that pop up. The relationship with Mr. Body builder is a healthy one because we are co-parenting well and putting our daughters needs first…. Oh wait I missed a part Mr. Body builder married the side piece even though he told me the week of their wedding he didn’t even want to be with her and he loved me, his wife and I have had sever talks put aside the past behind us, she is a wonderful step mom to my daughter. They both have been so supportive of me while leaving my narcissistic husband and I know things are only up from here so that our focus is always on our daughter and her needs so that we can provide her the best life she can have.
I am no longer in need of every guys attention! I am not longer without my dignity my self worth or respect for myself. I may always have parts of me that are broken but if I never stop take allow things are being fixed I am regaining self worth and respect for myself! I am no longer a prisoner, because I am a Survivor! I am no longer thinking that I am weak and I am no longer going to allow myself to get walked all over and taken advantage of. God raised me up to be a worrier in his army, I as a soldier for GOD! I am a fighter, I am strong, I am courageous. Even after all the trauma in this messed up world we live in that I have been survived I never let my heart go cold and die. I just pray that I can continue to heal from the trauma but also that if because of my story being shared that just one woman survives or is spared the horrific storms that I have had to endure then I would be even more great full and thankful and successful then I already do.
Ladies please have FAITH over fear, “Don’t tap out, fight till the end” your not a quitter your a survivor, and the most important one is that you are “Never alone and I mean never God is always right there, just put all your trust in him and allow him to guide you with his righteous right hand because he will pull you out and by putting all ur faith in him he will restore you, cleanse you and mold you into something shiny and new.