Her Story: The Fire Inside Me Burns Bright

 

  I am a Beautiful Disaster because I am nowhere near perfect. I have endured emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, PTSD, clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I still continue to fight to this day. 

       When I was young, my father would constantly scream at me and my siblings. We were never allowed to play like normal kids. We had to stay quiet. My parents eventually got divorced and my siblings and I rarely saw him after that. When I got older, my mom had told me that my dad had wanted my mom to get an abortion when she was pregnant with me. He didn't want another girl. When I was about fifteen I started drinking and experimenting with cannabis with my brother. My mom was working two jobs to support us, so we had the freedom to wander all over town doing whatever we wanted. Shortly after I started drinking and smoking, I started cutting myself. That lasted for about three years. 

       When I was sixteen my best friend invited me over to her boyfriend's friends house to spend the night. Her boyfriend was about thirty five. She was sixteen. I went over there and when everyone was sleeping, her boyfriend's friend, who looked to be about fifty five, woke me up and dragged me out of bed and preceded to rape me. 

         When I turned twenty four, I started becoming depressed and started having intense suicidal thoughts. I think it had to do with my very stressful job. After a few weeks I decided to get help because it became so bad I would just lay in bed and think about how to kill myself. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Borderline personality disorder, clinical depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. I have been dealing with managing these disorders for about six years now and I have been self harming and have also had three suicide attempts. Two that have been serious enough that I was rushed to the hospital. I have had about fifty hospitalizations over the years. 

       I am still struggling but with the support of my family and boyfriend of eleven years I try even harder to fight this battle with my illnesses. Beautiful Disaster reminds me that I have a fire inside of me that burns bright.