Beverly Haupt: A Childhood of Abondonment, Sexual Assult and Addiction
Beautiful Disaster. Yup that's me! Even got it tattooed on my arm.
My childhood was riddled with awful things. Abandonment, sexual abuse (by multiple people) and a parent who despite the fact she did love me, was emotionally abusive. I was told it was my own fault that men did those things to me. After he held his hand over my mouth and nose and I couldn't breathe, and I was sure I'd die, I just didn't say a word. I didn't want to hear anymore how I was to blame. At a very young age I was told that my mother's "time of the month" was my fault for being a bad girl. I was pretty sure I must be evil. I was told I was stupid, ugly and fat. The constant criticism continued, and eventually I believed it. I was suicidal and cutting by the age of 12 and started drinking in my room at night, whatever I could steal from my parents liquor cabinet that wouldn't be noticed.
As I grew older I saw my childhood beliefs manifesting as addiction, unhealthy abusive relationships, self mutilation and so much shame. I saw my life and myself as a disaster.
One day it all changed. Call it divine intervention. These lyrics from a FooFighters song grabbed me and shook me. "Were you born to resist or be abused? You know I'll never give in, I refuse." From the song "Best of you" I sang it like an anthem. I had 2 daughters who looked to me as an example. I needed to change my life, and myself, for them. I needed to do more than put my big girl panties on. So I put on my ass kicking boots and went commando. (I love that meme! Lol!) I picked myself up and got my GED. I enrolled in nursing school and was accepted into an accelerated course. I graduated with an average of 97.2 and placed 34 out of 150 students. I got a good job doing what I love. In time I mustered the courage up to leave my marriage. He came after me with threats, telling me I'd never make it...and a sledge hammer. I was scared to death, but I left anyway.
Flash forward to today. I'm in a relationship with an amazing man who loves and respects me and tells me I'm beautiful every day. My daughters are grown and are strong, independent, open minded and ridiculously intelligent women.
I'm in my own great apartment paying my bills and doing just fine. I'm shedding weight physically and emotionally. I'm happy.
I still trip standing still. I fall up stairs. I have knocked over entire displays in stores. There is nothing graceful about me, but now instead of being ashamed I find it hilarious. I look at my life and see how all the painful experiences I went through shaped me into a more compassionate, understanding, non-judgemental human. It makes me a better nurse. A better mom. I took that disaster and I made it beautiful. I'm so proud of that. I wear my tattoo like a badge of honor. I'm a purebred Beautiful Disaster, and I wouldn't want it another way.