Sam's Story: I Am Still Standing

TW: SA

I started using after I was gang raped at 16 years old in Arizona. I came back to Minnesota, put myself in a full lock down facility and tried to get my head right. I got into a fight and got kicked out. I was an alcoholic while I was dealing with a custody battle. It got ugly, but I got my life back on track and was doing good. I had 2 vehicles, my own place, 2 jobs, and in school while being a mom. For some reason, I gave it all up to be with this guy who was fresh out of prison, on house arrest, living in his mom's basement. Worst idea ever.

I got pregnant and while I was pregnant, he went back to selling dope. After my daughter was born, like 3 days after, I wanted to reconnect with him, but ended up relapsing with him. I thought it would bring us together. I was wrong. He had slept with 13 of my friends. I got pregnant again. We got in a fight and he was throwing me around like a rag doll. I started bleeding. I went to the hospital and they told me I was having a miscarriage and to let my body handle it. They advised me to come back in a couple days to make sure my body had gotten rid of everything. I was devastated.

I left the hospital, went home and got high. I still was not feeling well. I went back to hospital thinking maybe I had food poisoning. I was super sick. They told me I was pregnant, so I explained the situation. They did an ultrasound and sure enough there was my daughters heart beat. They told me I had been pregnant with twins and had lost one, so I cleaned up until after I had her.

My kids dad went to prison and I took over the dope game and took care of his mom. 9 days before he got out of prison, I found his mom's body in my living room. I was devastated and decided I could not live there anymore, so I moved closer to my family and brought my addiction with me.

I started seeing a guy who was a needle user. He told me I needed to try it and I would love it. Boom I was off to the races. I came clean with my family about my addiction and went to treatment. My parents kept my kids, so I could get my life together. While I was in treatment, my mom and I got real close. She finally came clean and told me the real story of how I came into this world. I am the product of a rape. I honestly felt like I didn't know who I was anymore.

The day I graduated from treatment, my parents moved to California. It literally crushed me, so I relapsed immediately. I still juggled the mom life and drug dealing. If there was anything I did well it was sell drugs. Well, with that comes people who don't like you. A chick in the dope game was frowned upon and I was cocky, so a "friend" of mine had come over thinking he was going to get a piece of ass. I laughed in his face. He got mad and left.. when he left my house he got pulled over. He sang like a canary.

The next morning, the task force came and kicked in my door. They busted me with 28 grams, 42 needles, 2 hits of acid, Marijuana, dabs, bongs, brass knuckles and a scale. They also charged me with child neglect as my kids lived with me. I went to jail. CPS took my kids. I asked the police to call my mom in California and let her know what was going on. My mom packed everything she owned and moved back to Minnesota to be a foster parent for my kids. She got here before I even saw a judge for a bail hearing. I sat in jail for 4 days. A friend cashed in her 401k and bailed me out and I went to treatment.

While in treatment, I relapsed and was kicked out with all my stuff in downtown Minneapolis. I finally got out of there and was just waiting for a bed at a new treatment center. I got myself mixed up with the wrong people. I was beat up, raped and left for dead in a park. My mom was called and she came to get me. She put me in a hotel until I could get to treatment. I went to treatment and really took everything in. I didn't want to relive what I had just gone through. I handled everything that needed to be handled for court and they dropped all my charges, except for the possession of 28 grams. They told me if I agreed to drug court, they would drop my felony to a misdemeanor after I completed the program. I agreed.

When I was released from treatment, I was homeless so I stayed at a homeless shelter. I got a job and my license back. Bought a car and got custody of my kids back and was able to move back in to my home. I just had my 2 years clean on July 13th.